“You Shall Not Pass” ~ Gandolf the Grey

If you’ve watched Lord of the Rings, you’ll understand the title.

Ever have one of those days where you’ve made a big decision, gone public, sacrificed some personal desires to be fully committed to this one decision, and the day you go public you get called out on it? Call it murphy’s law. Call it ironic. Call it accountability – either way your challenge is being addressed. The very foundation upon which a decision was laid and a stand taken, your challenged almost instantly. A life duel of will. The past grasps to hold on in desperation. An inevitable struggle to conquer has been set forth as the decision pushes back with a “Oh ya? Lets see what your made of?”

I have a new voice. A script with strength and power. There’s no whispering! There’s no still small voice! The voice is very clear and resonates within my weary bones. When I am challenged and I am not alone, when pushed down with the lies and vulnerable whispers begin to seep – I will stand again, brush off the dust of the past and stand firm. Here’s to a year long dedication, to an identity defining, soul grounding, love healing journey in Celibacy – its almost like a swear word, kinda made me giggle just writing it. Weird. But the reward is too great to give up. Friendships will deepen, relationships will soften, and buds will bloom. Is that not worth it?

……And yet I hear that voice, steady and thick. “I know you” it’s says. “I see you,” it says. “I am the memory of what you’ve done. I am the veil that cloaks your past and the mud that’s sticks to your soul. I am your definition and the comfort behind your mediocrity – perfectly stagnant and stale. ” In the darkness it hides and whispers a binding thread of lies which tangle and confuse my thoughts. “I see you. I know you. For you and I have a history.”

I respond.
I disagree. You have mistaken me for my once self. You knew me. You had seen me broken in my choice of submission. You are a lie, exposed and defeated. In darkness you can hide no more. I am humbled to my past but no longer defined by it. You can stand no ground for you are not welcome here. Light now shines to the future and the darkness has dissipated bound in its fear. The stain of the past and the mud is no more. I no longer lay stagnant and still, bound by complacent mediocracy for I will stand in His grace, steadfast in his strength. I will move forward with my focus shifted upwards and onwards….

For his eye is on the sparrow and I know he’s watching me bloom.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. – Jeremiah 11:31

No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.
1Corinthians 10:13




  1. wow, so much honesty Jennel – and so well expressed!! I KNOW you will continue to don those radiant new golden slippers and enjoy life to the fullest as you were meant to do!


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