So I noticed on my calendar counter its exactly 6 months to my year of redefinition. I don’t like that word as it implies I’m taking something old and slapping a coat of paint on it. That somewhere underneath I have this core past that will always define me and cause me to gravitate to its sly whisper of lies when life becomes cloudy and unfocused. I just don’t think the word does the process justice. I will have to think on a new word.
I’ve learned that in order to shed the guilt and shame of a failed marriage and all that’s packaged behind it one must be stripped to the core leaving a clean slate. Friendships, money, memories, finances, goals, habits, hobbies and even redefining the “connection” I have with my ex as my children’s father – not based on the past but based on who he is now and his role he plays all have taken shattering moments of wiping the slate clean. Slowly new foundations have been laid and if not for the grace of my Saviour and the people he has placed in my life this would not have been possible.
I can remember countless times on bended knee, tears streaming, my heart aching, my being shattered lying in pieces and just when I couldn’t take it anymore another blow or event would bring me to a place that it was all I could do but pray one word “help.” Through it all there was that still small voice whispering it will be ok. “I have plans for you. Be accountable. Forgive and forgive again, and again, and again” – Not just my ex but myself. “Do what is right and just.” I knew that i was to be the example of Christ in my failed marriage and that meant an accountability that with only His strength alone I was able to hold on. I had my moments, my breakdowns, and my tantrums – but each time it was talked out and it’s paid off. We have our moments but we remain friends. Always will be.
Once the initial year was over and I started this year of necessary endings and new beginnings, I thought I had it all planned out. God is good. He has brought events, friends and special people into my life that has given me joy and the support I have never known before. He’s shown me that I am His creation and He takes favour in me. With Him all things are possible even ones I would never have imagined. He’s still working on me and my heart continually submits to Him.
In my year I wanted to travel someplace that would put me out of my comfort zone and see the beauty in creation of this World. So I sit here contemplating and praying for an opportunity. I have an option and I’m seriously considering it. My cousin and close friend Channy and I may be experiencing Europe together separate and apart…… Italy with a train to the Urkraine? Three weeks in August. Here’s to praying and seeing what is best. I’m determined to see Italy by spring it has been my focus now for 6 months. Whose knows the answer may be “not now but soon.” I have some other things that need to be taken care of before that is a remote possibility.
I am Excited for the next 6 months and what blessings God has in store. Life changing they will be.
Trust in The Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. Acknowledge him in all your ways and he will make your path straight. Proverbs 3:5-6