Earlier this year I wrote a slightly humorous attempt at my new adventures of Online Dating and truth be told my opinion hasn’t much changed. Oh don’t get me wrong, I believe it has been a blessing to many people and to their relational status but again, this particular blog is expressing the views from my own personal journey and the whole aspect of dating itself.
It comes down to one thing only. Trust.
I’ve always said I don’t know if I could date someone I didn’t know or at least have mutual connections with, someone to give validity or reassurance on the character of a person. Dating is never single faceted and neither are the people involved, nor their histories. A couple of days ago I was asked “How is it a guy makes it past the emailing stage to an actual date in the world of Jennel? How did a certain few make it?”…………. I’ve had to think on this and I’ve figured it out.
At first I went on a few dates just to put myself out there and see what this online dating thing was all about which is how I got to my conclusion today. So those few dates helped laid the foundation on which I stand now. Brutal honest truth? how many ACTUAL dates have I been on as a result of online dating?……… 5 – including coffee and dinner dates. I know what your thinking and its like
“WHOA!!!! Easy Jennel – EASY…….slllloooow down girl!!!!”
I think timing is everything. I simply was not capable or willing of adding more to my life at the moment as too much was spinning around me and the mere thought of meeting someone to open up in trust was terrifying and I was not “available.” I was not emotionally invested in the idea of allowing myself to open up. I wasn’t ready. Either that or the deep desire to stab my eyes with a fork at dinner was just too traumatizing. Or I simply did not meet someone that I knew had the potential to shake my world. I’m kinda stubborn. I also know that it takes a certain personality to have patience with me as my biggest fight is with myself.
Some simple truths I know…..
1. Yes I would like to be in a committed healthy relationship one day and all the aches, pains, joys and love that is involved. Undoubtedly and with all my heart I want that. One day.
2. I want a best friend, someone to spend time with together and with friends. I’m not interested in having separate lives. I think independence is healthy of course but to have a real committed true relationship requires the eventual melding of two separate lives into one, a team. A partner in which to navigate with or to pick me up when I fall.
3. I want someone to know me so well that they can look at me in a room full of people we are able to have that conversation without words. Like the “big eyes” look suggesting “I’m soooooooo done, let’s go home” or the other “big eyes” look screaming “OMG this chick’s is whacked!!!” followed by his “big eyes” look in disbelief “your just figuring that out now?????”
Big eyed with raised brows “HOLY….clearly those are fake!!”
Smiling lying eyes, with deep Barry White stare “Oh…..really? I didn’t notice”
Rolling eyes: “Likely”
….followed by Investigative, Deep-in-thought Eyes“I wonder if her back gets sore? Clearly her pectorals are tight and
shortened and look at how her back rounds out.”
….followed by a quick restorative health program list being detailed out in my head in my efforts to help her
….followed by “where do these people by bra’s to fit those girls”
….followed by “I wonder if what they feel like…. I heard like a gummy bear?
…..My mind continues to spin and with Eyes of Wonder I continue “Oooooo ooo I know I know!!! I wonder if I “accidentally” trip her will she bounce back, like a action/reaction chain of events at its best!!!!…….”
BIG EYES Annoyed and Piercing “AAAANNNND your cut off. No more for you, its affecting your already twisted brain besides your staring…….it’s getting awkward!!!”
Protesting Eyes with both brows vertical added to a somewhat “pitchy” response “Whhhhat? I can’t help it, they are staring right at me, it’s like they have their own gravitational force!! They’re weapons of mass destruction and they need to be kept under cover…..”
Seriously-You-Need-Help-Get-Your-Jacket-On Eyes “UGH!!! I should have went on E Harmony.com I hear their screening process is very thorough and much more comprehensive……. :)”
4. Someone who understands my somewhat twisted humor and the absurdity of it all. OR has just as much of a twisted sense of humor and watches me make an ass out of myself as I have this mental conversation with myself 🙂
5. Someone who’s not scared to tell me how it is, reign me in, keep me in check – out manoeuvre me causing me to step back in appreciation and respect. Someone with a bigger personality than mine but let’s me take centre stage.
6. Someone who terrifies me. If it ever came into question or mental battle of do I run and how fast because I’m scared with the feelings in which they invoke within me……. I will know. People see being vulnerable as a weakness. I see it as a chance for something great even if the relationship may or may not work out, terrifies me. But I’m alive and my heart is full.
ALL OF THAT DOESN’T COME UNLESS I TRUST YOU AND YOU TRUST ME.
So how does one gain that level of trust? It’s simple.
Be my friend. No expectations. No maybe’s. The friendship is what is going to cultivate trust. I’m not 20 anymore……clearly and no comments allowed. I don’t have the privilege of jumping in with two feet and not having any baggage that slowly needs to be checked one-by-one, step-by-step. This friendship needs to have a foundation and this foundation isn’t going to be based on a dating site and for me and the over all general experience is one of intense “I need a relationship NOW” type thing. Too much for me right now and will always be. My world isn’t so small, I don’t really don’t need to be online.
Hearts are precious cargo, they are to be treated with a great deal of care. I will slowly tip toe out into the world and be open to doing things as friends but I need to option to breathe. There is too many hearts involved to be cavalier about it as I am a package deal and at the moment the package is doing just fine. I am simply not comfortable with random serial dating. It’s too cavalier and impersonal and most people I believe are looking for short-term fixes. There are a few out there who have genuine motives 🙂
I truly believe that friendships or any type of relationships happen when life eases its way. If it has to be forced or is over shadowed with expectation, it won’t go anywhere and yet it can’t lay dormant. The key is communication, revealing that the perceived “expectation” isn’t really there, but really it’s support sometimes at a distance. Hence the I don’t date anyone I don’t know, or have mutual connections with as it gives a sense of familiarity and if done right, no matter what a new friend has been made.
Be open to vulnerability. For without it, you can not find connection.
So I have decided that the online dating thing just isn’t for me. I don’t need to be actively looking for a relationship. I’m not perfect, I never will be but there are things in life that I need to address and if I focus on being a good mom, getting out and doing things I love, and just being real, in time something might develop. In fact I know it will, I don’t need to rush the process.