It’s that time of year again when every other post starts off with the same sentence of “it’s that time of year again.” 2018 is fast approaching. Add that to the week of no man’s land between Christmas and New Year’s and we find ourselves lazy and we reflect on what we want to change, a new beginning. The New Year.
The new ME!!!
I think taking a moment to pause and reflect is healthy. It’s the epitome of a personal time out. I also believe in the value of goal setting individually and as a family. These are all good qualities and practices to have. All successful businesses do it, driven people, leaders, and families. They work together and individually, on common goals in order for the pursuit of having impact, growth and opportunity.
I find myself wrapping up this year feeling a little jaded – a little bitter at myself. When I step outside of my feelings and look at the situation, I tell myself in order to stop feeling this way – DO something to change the feelings. I’m working through something’s – what that something is, kind of falls under the category of “its none of your damn business,” but I think is true for many people. We are all working through something.
I mean we’re breathing right?
I think my biggest fear in life is failure? Am I doing enough? Can I do better? Can I be better? What am I doing that is limiting me? What am I doing that is limiting my ability to be a good parent?….. and the list goes on. Those are my struggles. Those are the tapes that play over and over again in my mind.
I need them to shut off.
I had a mentor tell me once “Jennel, did you know that your a perfectionist?” To which I immediately laughed it off and scoffed out an answer “PFFFTTT, no no no! I’m far from being perfect.” To which she said “That’s exactly what a perfectionist would say.” This has stuck with me. It stop me in my tracks because for so long I had been living by the words of my coach in college “Jennel, there is no such thing as practice makes perfect. Only perfect practice is perfect.” You can do things wrong 10000 times over and it’s still wrong. Do it right the first time. So now, I remind myself, that it’s just a game. Failing is learning. Learning is practice and grace is what saves me – in this life and the next. In fact, I’m not going to edit this and pick my blog apart, simply for therapeutic reasons lol. I’m terrible at grammar and editing, and yet it drives me nuts. But not today.
There is no such thing as perfection.…….
Not going to lie, it makes me cringe to say that. I have to let out a deep annoyed sigh in order to get those words out of my mouth. It makes me think a person isn’t trying. That they are fine with mediocre. They don’t care about do what it takes to make it right. But making it right isn’t about being perfect.It’s about knowing what is right and pursuing it’s truth in my actions, doing the best that I am able to even in failure so that I might understand truth to it’s core and learn for the next time. There’s a difference. Sometimes however, due to the natural order of choice and consequences, there is no next time, so we must exercise care and caution and apply wisdom.
I have noticed that my daughter has picked up the need for perfection and the anxiety of not being perfect. I believe I hold half of the responsibility for that, her dad has been known for this as well. The only way to combat it, is in dealing with myself – my who’s and why’s of me. I’m my own worst hypocrite.
It’s a life thing.
The other day I was going through an interview with a friend of mine who I was hiring as a trainer from the US and he asked me a simple question. It threw me off. I actually stumbled when answering it. It frustrated me. I was mad at myself.
“Jennel, what do you do for fun?”
A couple of years ago the answer was simple. I loved sports. I loved to play sports. I loved to go to the gym. I loved to train. I like to do stuff that scared me. That pushed my boundaries and made me grow. I loved being that person that would spontaneously respond to whatever challenge that was laid out before me. I pursued a job in the health and wellness industry, became a trainer, I moved here, I volunteered there, I jumped off this, and I swam with that (even if it was just once) and I loved it. My hobbies became my work so I worked ALL the time. It was fun. Lots of my checklist orientated friends who happened to be my closest and dearest friends would be my guide to reason, and I would be their guide to stepping out into the unknown. It’s truly a symbiotic relationship.
Some of these things were not always good. Sometimes I found myself in a little pickle of situation and eventually I’d have a story to blog about. Don’t get me wrong I think I still have this trait and I still use it, but it’s changed. I do it more out of survival rather than fun. I’m running to and fro across the country to try and appease what needed to be done, and yet I’ve lost myself to time.
One day I woke up, I realized all this and more, and I decided it stops now. You see, many of my single friends will understand this ability to let the pendulum of live balance swing too far left or too far right. I don’t have that significant other who is the voice of reason outside of my head to say NO. I simply just do. So this is me, having a conversation with myself so-to-speak saying “Jennel, it’s time to stop.” So, if I want to travel, it’s going to be for fun, or if I travel for work, I’m going to add the element of fun into it and take some personal time to do so. If I want to read, I’m going to allow myself those odd days of being lost in a book again and reading from sun up to sun down instead of the one hour before bed. – you know what? Now that I bring it up, That’s another thing. I love to read. My favourite is historical fiction – mostly because I love to learn things and I’m a sucker for a love hero story. I never read anymore. Well, barely, I’m always driving hence why podcasts have entered my life.
I’m going to read again.
I used to get dressed up all the time, I was either way over dressed and formal or way underdressed ……..ok wait, that sounds bad, I meant like in Lululemon or something ready to train or go to the gym or hike or to martial art class or something. I stopped doing that 1.5 years ago and it’s time to change that.
Now flip that coin of thought and give an argument for what I’ve learned about myself over the last 1.5 months which I need to be proud of as well. I think that many times in my life I’ve surprised people with my personality. I always find it funny because it’s usually depends on how or where I met an individual. Many a time I’ve had people call me intimidating, when in fact, I’m the least intimidating person there is, but then again that’s individual perception. Or people think I’m a goof who never takes anything seriously, which is far from truth which is the complete opposite. But seriously, never take anything I say seriously.
It’s about important stuff like: My kids. My family. My faith. My country. Our morals. Our values. And of course the people within these. Then I’m dead serious about it and this is where I surprise people. I’ve been living in my serious side of me for so long that I’ve lost my inner goof.
I miss my teammates. My girls. My coach.
I actually miss being told what to do – by my coach, I mean. LOL. Otherwise when done the wrong way it usually implies that at some point “you and I are going to rumble.” – Just Saying 🙂 I️ can honestly say my coaches and some profs, and a few pastors have been some of my greatest influences. …..hmmmm I️ should add finding a mentor to my list. I️ have a few but one I️ work directly with. Someone who can respectfully guide me and see through my wordy answers aka bullshit.
I’m going to pursue this again but differently like actually finishing my black belt which I had to stop when I became separated as life got complicated fast – and start trail running., with a Dog. I still have some Bear issues as referred to in past blogs. Plus I loath running. My goal is not to loath it, just really dislike it. I prefer sports to long distance running. I’ve already got this somewhat into play, I’ve just been waiting for the nonstop travel to be done, so I can commit to my commitment.
And yet, the past is the past. I can’t go back there and I can’t expect it to be the same. So I’ve been thinking about this subject this week knowing that January 1 is coming. Truth is, I started this process a month ago when I put in my resignation as Recreation Director. My daughter needed me. My son needed me. I needed me. I need my friends. I need to be adventurous again, and make memories with my kids without rushing from one province to the next and being exhausted in every moment. My son is 15 and my daughter is soon to be 13. I’ve got a few more years and then, it’s changing again.
So in the spirit of fun and in the spirit of doing what is right, I needed to show my kids and myself that once again, I did what was necessary in the moment, that I’m willing to sacrifice myself for the right thing. I will do it again, for them, when it is the right thing to do – no matter how hard it is to do it. I think by doing this, my feelings of displacement and unsettlement will be addressed and life will be back to normal again.
So here is the bases of my 2018 resolutions, the particulars I will keep to myself. Some I’ll achieve nicely. Some will peel my prying skin back like fingers grasping onto past habits – I will molt. I will mold for I am clay in the Potters hands. Some will drop me to my knees. Some I will have to plan. And some just will just fall into place in the process.
Take chances. Stand firm. Say Yes. Say No. Grow. Have fun. Be still. Play. Confession: I lied to you. I went back in and made some changes. Even still I read some sentence structure and grammatical issues but I will walk away.
Just walk away, Jennel. Leave it.